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by John C. Christiansen (Author)
Meet the happiest, smartest, and sweetest kid of them all He'd gladly bicycle across town to give you his last nickel if it might help you to that extra scoop of ice cream. But as much as he cares about you, me, and well, just about everybody, his love for his mom is what puts the true twinkle in his eye, the deeper dimple in his smile, and the pitter-pat in his heart. For this, he will pay the price.
Despite all the valiant efforts to turn her body into a toxic vessel of waste, Mom now faces a gruesome death, awash in misbegotten filth, which can only be forestalled by an amazing, dazzling, awe-inspiring medical feat performed by a troupe of traveling surgical magicians. But their stunts don't come cheap, and Mom is freshly banished from work. It'll take more than her darling boy's lunch money to save her Now this fine young fella must harness all of his love, perform his most mind-boggling calculations, and apply all of his strategic genius to make Mom's problems disappear into thin air.
A few games of chess ought to do the trick.
Well, maybe a few dozen. But when pitted against the talents of his opponents, which include an android engineer, a living jewel, a loony psychotherapist, the smartest muppet ever conceived, and an alien super-genius from another galaxy, he is kissed tantalizingly by the lips of ruthlessness. And he comes into the watchful gaze of characters even more dangerous than chess players.
After bicycling his way through death and mayhem, dragging his mind through eleven dimensions, and staying up way past his bed time, he finds himself naked in the dark, under the scrutiny of the filthy world outside his hometown. And he discovers there are more ways to be checkmated than he'd ever thought possible.
As precious hours tick away for Mom, this young whiz kid embarks on a bloody and destructive adventure across the faces of an Earth slathered with pavement, adorned with commercial strips, bejeweled with litter, perfumed with smog, and crawling with tens of billions of increasingly tear-thirsty inhabitants who want nothing more than to checkmate him.
As the twinkle in his eye fades, our hero braves caverns full of subterranean beasts, menageries of rutting perverts, a ruthless megalopolis, an uncaring desert, a megalomaniacal cyborg, and downright rudeness, all the while pursued by a gang of junkie bounty hunters, desperate for their next fix, and a murderous breakfast fanatic who believes the key to restoring balance and nutrition to the universe is this boy, the kid from the door next to dystopia.
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Shipping information
- Free Shipping* on all orders over $300 USD to most countries* Estimated delivery: 2-5 business days Mon-Sat to U.S., CA, EU etc.
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- Global delivery in 3–9 business days (location dependent).
- Free Worldwide Shipping $300+. International duties & VAT are calculated by destination country and may be collected upon delivery. UK orders are subject to 20% import VAT upon delivery.
Our innovation isn’t just in the brands we carry — it’s in the way we connect them. From our automation engine that keeps collections globally updated to our commitment to authenticity-first presentation, STORE 7994 exists where timeless design meets modern precision.
Every product we offer is:
Elevated · Intentional · Exclusive · Authentic
STORE 7994 is an authorized reseller of luxury fashion houses. Certificates and proof of authenticity are available to brand owners and partners upon request.
Returns & Refunds
We want you to shop with confidence at STORE 7994. If your purchase does not meet expectations, eligible items may be returned under the conditions below.
Return Eligibility
Items must be unused, unworn, and in original condition with all tags, packaging, and accessories included. Items showing any signs of wear or damage will not be accepted.
Return Window
Return requests must be made within 14 days of delivery.
Return Shipping
Customers are responsible for return shipping costs unless the item is defective, damaged, or incorrect.
Luxury Items
Items valued over $1,000 may be subject to a 7% restocking fee upon approved return.
Non-Returnable Items
For hygiene and product integrity reasons, the following items are final sale once opened or used:
• Underwear
• Fragrances
• Any worn or used items
Made-to-Order Items
Custom-designed products, including STORE 7994 hoodies, are made exclusively for each customer and are final sale. These items are not eligible for return or exchange unless defective or incorrect.
If you receive a defective or incorrect item, please contact us and we will make it right.
International Shipping & Duties
Many of our products ship directly from trusted international partners. Any applicable customs duties or import taxes are calculated at checkout and are non-refundable, even if the item is returned.
Returns & Associated Fees
All approved returns are subject to a $24 return processing fee. For international orders, duties, taxes, and return fees will be deducted from the original payment.
Shipping Policy
Complimentary shipping is offered on orders over $300. Orders below this threshold are subject to standard shipping rates at checkout.
